


What Happiness Feels Like

by Eleonora80



Category: Strike Back
Genre: F/M, Light Angst, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-01
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:15:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23947525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eleonora80/pseuds/Eleonora80
Summary: My take on what might have happened after the series finale. What if Colonel Coltrane finally decided to go and find Katrina? Spoilers for Season 8.
Relationships: Alexander Coltrane/Katrina Zarkova
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	What Happiness Feels Like

It was stupid, she knew. It could be a trap. She was an undead Russian soldier, after all. Her own people wanted her dead, and thought her so. But she was not safe. She had spent the last year watching her back, fearing that someone would discover the truth and track her down. And despite everything, here she was, in the middle of a Beirut square, just because a cryptic text message summoned her there. If doing so was a mistake, then it would be the last mistake she ever made. But she knew she had to be there. If she had ignored the request, if she had stayed safely tucked away in the new life she had made for herself, she knew she would regret it for the rest of her days. So she had to be there. She was not armed, of course. And that meant that if her instincts were wrong, she was as good as dead. Then again, she figured, if someone was after her, they wouldn’t take her or gun her down in a square full of people. And so here she was. She had gambled everything on a simple text.

_Place de l’Etoile, tomorrow 3 PM. Please be there. A._

~~~~

His finger had hovered over the “Send” button for a few minutes, and the reason was simple enough: he was afraid. It seemed silly even to him. After a lifetime as a soldier, a lifetime spent putting his life in danger at every turn, he was afraid of sending a simple text message. But he was afraid, there was no denying it. Afraid of endangering her life. Again. Afraid of leaving his old life behind. Afraid even - and that was something he wasn’t proud of - of finally reaching out and not finding anyone on the other side. Who could blame her, really? He had broken her heart, he knew, the last time he called her. She had pretty much told him that. He had asked for her help for a good reason, but that still didn’t make it right. She would totally be within her rights if she never wanted to hear from him ever again. Still, he knew he had to try. He could still hear Novin’s words to him. _You don’t think we deserve better?_ At the time he hadn’t answered. He knew why: he would have said no. That was the life he chose long ago, and as much as he used to talk about getting an early retirement, he knew that the life that he had chosen was the life that he deserved. But Novin’s words had stayed with him, and, as time passed, he had started thinking that maybe she was right. Being a soldier was all he ever knew, but he was weary of it now. What had happened with their last assignment had left him disillusioned about that life. He had tried to pitch a new mission to his team, but, even as he was suggesting it, he knew his heart wasn’t in it. And their reaction had been firm. _You don’t think we deserve better?_ Yes, they definitely did. Maybe even him. So his finger had finally hit “Send”. Now the ball was in her court. All he could do was wait. And hope.

~~~~

It was a beautiful day in Beirut. The sky was clear and a warm pleasant breeze was blowing. But she wasn’t paying the weather any mind. The square was swirling with people, and she was frantically scanning the crowd searching for the one face she wanted to see. Minutes seemed to stretch on like hours, when suddenly the clock tower struck three, and she saw him. _It is really him_ , her heart screamed, and she let out the breath she didn't even know she was holding. _And he’s as handsome as I remembered._

The little smile that appeared on his face told her that he had seen her too. She willed her legs to move and slowly walked towards him. Hoping to hide the storm of emotions that was raging inside her, she quipped: “So, you finally showed up, Alexander”, and she couldn’t suppress a smile.

“And so did you, Katrina”. A matching smile on his face.

They stood there gazing at each other for a few seconds, the air between them crackling with electricity, until Alexander’s expression turned suddenly serious and his hand reached up to stroke Katrina’s cheek. Her eyes fell closed, his touch so reminiscent of her own on the day she had to say goodbye to him and the life she knew.

“How are you?” He asked in a low voice, bringing her back to reality. Was that concern in his voice? She didn’t dare to hope.

Not wanting to give away how much he was affecting her, she casually replied: “I’m alright. I’ve settled down, found a job. Nothing major. And I’m alive. I guess that’s my greatest achievement, don’t you think?”

A sad smile was all that Coltrane could manage. “I’m so sorry that it had to be this way. I…”

“Don’t you dare apologize, Alexander.” She cut him off. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. You saved my life, I’ll always be grateful for that”. Grateful. Yes, as if gratitude was what she was feeling at that moment. All she wanted was to hold on to him and never let him go, and surely it wasn’t because she was grateful.

“That may be, but what happened to you wasn’t fair. It shouldn’t have come to that”.

She took her time studying his features, and she could see that he was uncharacteristically nervous. Now that he was finally here, in front of her, she found herself wondering why he had come to see her, but at the same time she wasn’t sure she wanted to know. She couldn’t take another disappointment.

He suddenly blurted out: “We really need to talk. Do you know some place where we can be alone?”

_It’s time to find out, then._

Feigning confidence she wasn’t feeling, she quickly answered: “My apartment is within walking distance from here. Would that be alright?”

“Of course”, he agreed, and with that they started walking together.

~~~~

The silence stretched between them as they walked. It wasn’t a comfortable silence. He could see how tense Katrina looked, and what was worse, he knew the reason for it. He knew she was wondering why he had appeared in her life out of nowhere. He also knew he was the one who had the power to end this awkwardness between them, but, now that he was finally here, he had no idea how to start. It was unnerving to think that he could shoot anyone at point blank without batting an eye, and yet be so utterly unable to express his feelings. 

He had been so relieved to see her there, waiting for him. She had come. She had trusted him, again. Then why was it so difficult to tell her what he had come here to say?

The walk to her apartment was mercifully short. It was a nice place, right in the center of Beirut. Alexander was glad that Katrina had been able to build a good life for herself after all. And he was nothing but a selfish jerk. What right did he have to come here and disrupt what little peace she had found? Maybe he should have just stayed away, for her sake. His musings were interrupted when Katrina opened the door to her apartment and wordlessly invited him in.

Good God, he couldn’t stand this silence any longer.

_Come on Coltrane, do something about it._

He took a deep breath, but before he had the time to say anything, Katrina closed the door behind him, threw her arms around him and started kissing him, the earlier nervousness forgotten. It was not tentative, it was not awkward. It was passionate, it was blissful. It was as if no time had passed. It was Katrina. It was _them_.

He knew he should have probably stopped her. He needed to talk to her, tell her why he was here, but to stop what was happening was simply not in his power. How was he supposed to resist her? He had never been able to, and he never would be. So he did the only thing he could. He kissed her back, hoping to convey with his lips and his body everything that he was feeling. And maybe she would understand what he hadn’t been able to say.

~~~~

It was nice, lying here like this. It was warm, safe. His arms around her, her head on his shoulder, his fingers idly tracing patterns on her back. They had never had a chance, before, to stay close like this after having sex. _Sex_. Who was she kidding? This was so much more than sex. It had always been more, at least to her.

On their way here, she had desperately wanted Alexander to tell her that he was here because of her, because he wanted to find out if there could be something between them, just like they had tentatively planned on that fateful day in Tel Aviv. But she wasn’t naive: she was aware there was also the concrete possibility that he was here on duty. Even though she had made it clear to him that he couldn’t do that anymore, he might be here looking for help for another “one last mission”. She knew she couldn’t take another disappointment. So she had acted cowardly for the first time in her life. She had decided to delay the inevitable. If he was going to break her heart, at least she wanted to be as close to him as possible one last time.

She had gotten what she wanted. Being with him was even better than she remembered. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but there was something different in the way he had made love to her. There had been urgency, but also an underlying sweetness that was new for them. He had loved her like they had all the time in the world. He had been wonderful, caring, loving. She had felt cherished. How was she supposed to give this up? She couldn’t.

“I don’t want you to leave”.

The words were out of her mouth before she realized she had said them out loud. In that instant, she thought she heard his heart race just a little.

“Good”, she heard him answer.

She raised her head from his chest and looked at him. He went on: “Because I don’t want to leave”. And then he smiled, a smile so bright it could outshine the sun. She was positive she’d never seen him smile like that.

Was it really possible? He couldn’t possibly mean that he… _Dear God, Alexander, don’t do this to me. Don’t make me let my guard down and then crush me again._

~~~~

_She doesn’t want me to go._

Relief flooded his veins. The fragile hope that had made its way into his heart when he had seen Katrina in the square was becoming a certainty. She wanted this as much as he did. Perhaps coming here hadn’t been a terrible mistake.

_Here’s your chance. It’s now or never, Coltrane._

“Good. Because I don’t want to leave”, he had said. Katrina, though, was gaping at him as if she couldn’t comprehend what was happening. Then her beautiful face clouded with fear and she asked: “Is your life in danger? Are you still blacklisted?”

Alexander was torn between being touched by her concern and hurt by the fact that she thought he was just looking for a place to hide out. Well, he supposed in a way he deserved it.

Realizing this wasn’t the time for misunderstandings, he ran his hand through her hair and gently answered “No, Katrina, I’m not blacklisted anymore, and I am not in any danger. The only reason I’m here is because I want to be”.

A tentative smile was her answer, but he could tell that she was still unsure. “What about your responsibilities? Your duty?”

Now was the time to get everything out in the open. He sat up on the bed, and Katrina did the same, watching him intently. 

“I’m out” he began, his jaw set. From the corner of his eye he could see her bewildered expression. “I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true”, he smirked. “Our last mission took a lot out of me. Forced me to take a good look at what I was doing with my life”.

Her gaze turned truly tender then, silently urging him to go on. As he recounted all the events that had led to Mac and Chetri’s deaths, he felt Katrina reach for his hand. Thankful, he squeezed her hand back, as if it were a lifeline. And in a way, he realized, it was.

“I don’t really know what I’m going to do now. I just know that I want to stop surviving, and start living”. He traced his thumb along her jaw, tipping up her face and kissing her tenderly.

When they broke apart, Katrina’s eyes flickered with hope and some other emotion that Alexander couldn’t quite identify. She hesitated before cautiously asking “Does this mean what I think it means?”

“Katrina, some time ago we said we would meet up in Istanbul and see where we… where this… was going. We never did.” Sadness briefly crossed her face, and Alexander felt a sudden urge to make her smile again. He added, “I’m not making the same mistake again”.

Katrina sighed happily and, with a mischievous gleam in her eyes, she prompted: “So, what you’re saying is…”

“You’re going to make me spell it out, aren't you?”, he grinned.

“You’re damn right I am”, she laughed.

“All right then”. His expression grew solemn. “I’m here because I want to be with you”.

~~~~

There. He had said it. The one thing she had longed to hear since she received that text message. When she finally let herself believe, a pure, unbridled affection sent her straight into Alexander’s arms.

She felt his arms around her and she desperately wished they could stay like this forever. Being here, with him holding her so tight, she felt a little silly for doubting his intentions. As if offering a silent apology, she slowly started rubbing circles into his shoulders. Her light caressing wandered, until her fingers reached a light scar, then another, deeper, one. She moved her hands away, troubled. Those scars hadn’t been there before. And a few minutes ago, in the throes of passion, she had not noticed them.

“What happened here Alexander?” She murmured against his chest, trying to hide her worry.

He shrugged nonchalantly. “It’s nothing. Just a souvenir from my Russian work camp vacation”.

Horrified, Katrina drew back. “What?”

“It’s alright. It’s in the past. There’s no need to worry about it now”.

Katrina couldn’t believe that he would try to downplay this. She knew how dangerous and vicious a place like that could be. It was a miracle to have survived such a thing, and she was chilled to the bone at the thought of how close she had been to losing this. 

Obviously aware of her uneasiness, he went on: “It’s OK. Wyatt got me out before things could get any worse.” 

She searched his eyes for any hint that he might be lying to spare her, but she couldn’t find any. 

“I’ve heard stories, Alexander. Those places are hell. Are you sure you’re...?”

“I assure you I’m perfectly fine, and if you don’t believe me...” She quickly found herself flipped on her back, with a grinning Colonel above her, “...let me show you just how recovered I am, my dear Katrina”.

She laughed out loud at that, happy to let the matter go. “You forget that I’m Lisette now”, she winked.

His smile was sweet when he replied, “That may be true for the rest of the world, but here, with me, you’ll always be Katrina”.

And when he kissed her, she had no desire to talk anymore.

~~~~

God, he had missed her. He hadn’t even realized how much until now. Now that he was lying here with her without a care in the world.

Without a care in the world. Would he be able to truly live like that? He had thought long and hard about that, and he believed he could. He would probably always feel the need of doing something good, saving the world. But the military wasn’t the place for him anymore. He had seen too many grey areas, in a world where he believed everything should have been black or white. And what good had the military done to Katrina? She had always done what was right, and all she got in return was a target on her back.

His last conversation with Arianna Demachi came to his mind. _Maybe there’s no escape for people like us._ He now knew that she had been wrong. _There is an escape, and I found mine._ As he looked down at the woman sleeping peacefully in his arms, he felt free for the first time in his life. And then, another, long-forgotten emotion made its way into his heart, shocking him with its force. He focused on it, trying to give it a name. He closed his eyes, overwhelmed by the sudden realization. _This is what happiness must feel like._


End file.
